A new book reveals the inventive world of the hilarious examination answer, writes Dick Skellington.
The book reflects five years of intensive research into school examinations. Here are my pick of the best answers. Seriously, you could not make them up (but that is what Michael Gove is doing, so why not?). My favourite is:
Q Deserts can be hot or cold. Name a hot desert and a cold desert.
A Hot desert - apple crumble with custard
Cold desert - jelly and ice cream
See what I mean? These are excellent answers to a stupid question (and rather a testimony to the amount of useless knowledge we cram into our kids). But please, pick your own best answer from these gems!
Q What are fossil fuels used for?
A Powering dinosaurs.
Q Write the longest sentence you can, using appropriate punctuation.
A 50 years to life.
Q If a coastal arch collapses, what word would describe the remaining rock?
A Lonely.
Q Name three benefits of regular training.
A 1) It's cheaper than driving; 2) You can read on the train; 3) They have a snack trolley
Q Why did the infamous 1605 Gunpowder Plot fail?
A Someone forgot to bring the matches.
Q What does Antonym mean?
A I don't know what he means but you've spelt his name wrong, miss.
Q Define capital punishment.
A When you get in trouble for not putting a capital letter at the start of a sentence.
Really, the dunces who set these kind of questions should have seen that one coming. Mind you few can top this one for sheer brilliance.
Q Name an expanse of salty water that's smaller than an ocean.
A A tear
Brilliant answer! Was it Oscar Wilde who advised not to tamper with natural ignorance? If he read the next answer he would be laughing in his grave.
Q How does your humerous differ from your fibula?
A One's funny and the other lies a lot.
Q What's the difference between red blood cells and white blood cells?
A Some are red, others are white.
Q How can you tell where a river is on an Ordnance Survey map?
A It's the bit that is wet.
Obviously. Just like this pearl.
Q What is a thermal conductor?
A A man who leads an orchestra in long johns.
And last, and marvellously, not least.
Q When Queen Elizabeth the First came to the throne, what was the first thing she did?
A Sit down.
Now, I am sure Her Royal Highness would agree, that kid had a point.
Dick Skellington, 18 December 2013
F in School, by Richard Benson, was published in November by Summersdale.
The views expressed in this post, as in all posts on Society Matters, are the views of the author, not The Open University.
Cartoons: Catherine Pain; Gary Edwards